I start back to school Monday. That feels so weird, to be saying that at my age. It will be my second senior year of college. Hopefully, it will be my last. Fighting for financial aid for this one last year was a job in and of itself, and I just don't want to go there again.
I could sit around and waste a lot of time and energy kicking myself in the ass for not doing the whole college thing back when I was a kid.
The truth is, had I done the college thing back then, I would have wasted it in the years since. Addiction is a motherfucker.
Recovery helps me fight all those negative emotions, the self-loathing, the fear. That is, recovery helps me fight that shit when I let it, when I am actively working a program.
The truth is that I sometimes let my fear, insecurities, and character defects rule my life still. That's something that I have to work on. I have to continue to follow through on my commitments to my friends, I have to continue to "accentuate the positive", I have to continue to change the character defects into character strengths.
And with the help of a few good people, I continue to move forward. I continue to grow, I continue to change into something better than I used to be.
So, Monday, when the new semester starts, I will start with some new behaviours. It's time for Cindy to grow up.