I had heard this song before that funeral that changed my life. Nickelback. "If today was your last day". If you haven't ever listened to it before, go to their website and listen to it. Right now. I can wait.
My friend chose this song to play before his son's funeral. On a loop, while pictures of the boy lit up a screen.
I am not going to tell you about that funeral in this post. I'm just going to link to the post I wrote about it over at BandBackTogether. While you're there checking my post out, check out the rest of the site. Pretty amazing shit.
I was listening to this song yesterday. Because it asks a powerful fucking question. One that I am not prepared to answer some days.
Most days, the answer is that I am OK with whatever happens. If this is my last day, it has been a good life and I couldn't ask for anything more.
12 step recovery, friends, and the Band (oh, and a little bit of Wittgenstein) have taught me that this moment is it, this moment is all I have. I will never have this moment again. Yesterday is gone. Tomorrow is just a wishful promise.
When I am in that spiritual state of mind, I am enough. I am OK with myself just the way I am. Character defects, thighs larger than I'd like, imperfect skin, blah blah yadda yadda.
None of that matters.
Resentments fade away. Expectations don't rear their ugly head. I can plan a course of attack or list of actions without planning the outcome.
And that is a pretty good place to be.
If today were my last day, I'd spend it dancing.
And on that note, ladies and gentlemen, I am going to go take care of my list of actions and dance my way through them.