17 August 2011

things that are bullshit

Today, I'm not a stagehand. I'm not a woman dealing with the "wrong" side of forty. I'm not a wise-ass blaming everything on Elliot or Hydro.

Today, I'm just a recovering addict who's heart is hurting for those who don't have a program and are dying from this disease. I'm seeing too many people I love suffering with this disease.

Addiction is a motherfucker. It kills. And I can't save these people. It doesn't matter how much I love them. I cannot save them. I hate that helpless feeling.

Recently, I've seen someone I loved relapse. Someone I sponsored went MIA. A friend found himself alone in a dingy motel room with one dirty needle. Someone else I love is probably strung out on methadone or heroine.

I get sick and tired of watching this disease kill people.

Raging at the unfairness of it all does me no good.

All I can do is turn them all over to god as I understand it, and hope they find their way home to NA.

Having done that, I am now left to remember that I, too, have this disease. I'm grateful I know how to treat it. I'm grateful I understand how fucked I am if I don't treat it. I'm grateful that I'm clean now, that I have a program. I'm grateful my program helps me live in the moment. It means that I can enjoy this quiet time with my little puppy, one of the last chances like this I'll get for a while, since school starts again on Monday.

Now, I'm going to go have myself a moment of silence for the addict who still suffers. Then I'm going to see if I can start a wrestling match with my puppy.
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  1. Addiction is a motherfucker. As someone who's 15 years into recovery, I've seen more relapse and/or die than not. Actually more than more, I'd say most.
    I feel so grateful, and guilty sometimes too, that I have lasted this long and hopeful that I will for always.
    I'm also really grateful that you've lasted this long and am hopeful that you will for always.
    Moment of silence.

  2. Thank you for understanding. The therapeutic value is beyond parallel.

  3. I was never able to do drugs, or drink much, because neither agreed with me. (Even prescription drugs have wonky effects on me, even ... nail polish!) That said, I also have to stay to my program of truth telling and giving myself a break, and making sure I never take responsibility for, or apologise for things that are not of my making. That's my program and it is a good one to have. It allows me to tell my guy that I won't participate in his family's crazy stuff. It has let me put space between my father and I, and leave a reconciliation in his hands, where it belongs. I am truly grateful for this clarity.

    I too have friends who are lost, friends who've died and friends who struggle. While I am here, right here for them, I know that I cannot save them, no matter how much I love them and want them to be okay, they have to be able to see my hand in front of them if it is right for them. And that's hard.

    <3 Thinking of you. And them. <3