02 January 2012

I'm bored. Which means all is as it should be in my world.

My sponsor laughs at me a lot when I gripe about school ("I wish this semester was over already!"), or when I gripe about being bored ("I wish school would start back already!"). She tells me "all is as it should be in your world", and she is right. If I'm not bitching about something, I'm probably dead, or close to it.

I'm already bored with 2012. I did all the deep cleaning on the magic bus before Christmas. Now I just need to go through and give it a maintenance cleaning. In less than 250 square feet, we're talking about an hour's worth of work, right?

At the same time, I am so profoundly grateful for the boredom right now. Thursday, I leave for a visit with my mom. Next week, the neighbor and I have a construction project. The week after that, I start my last semester of college.

Which means that I have to start my job hunt. This almost paralyzes me with fear. I have never really held a steady job. Even the stagehand stuff I have been doing for the last six and a half years hasn't been a steady job. This town is too small for steady stagehand work.

Also, I am a convicted felon. Which is a big disadvantage when looking for gainful employment.

The thought of a job search scares the fuck out of me. It wakes me up at night. It squeezes my chest. It cuts off circulation to my feet and hands.

It makes me grateful for the 12 steps. I understand that "this too shall pass", and it DOES pass. I figure my higher power didn't bring me this far to just fucking drop me now.

Thank heaven the fear isn't my constant companion. I have moments of peace, too. Those little moments when I can be still, and quiet, and listen to the spirit that tells me (with no clear, audible words) that I will be all right if I just continue to do the best I can with what I have to work with.

This morning is one of those mornings when I feel the fear. I'll get through it.

Because through the fear, I feel my higher power trying to speak to me. It is telling me "Be still, and know that we are here."

Because not only is my higher power here with me, I am here too. I am present in my own life today, which is a huge change from the way things used to be. Not only are my are my higher power and I here; my N.A. family is here, and the Band is here. None of these spirits ever leave me. They are always here; they share their experience with me, they lend me strength when I have none of my own, and they give me hope.

Be still, and know that we are here. We are none of us alone. We are all connected.

2 comments:

  1. You're not alone. I'm holding your hand. Love you, lady. <3

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