Cindy, this is your pattern

Sunshine said this to me a few weeks back, right about the time I started this job I now basically hate. I had somehow allowed myself to get so anemic (and probably malnourished) that I damn near passed out while getting mah roots dyed.

Because I have done this before (time and time again), we knew how to solve the problem. Iron supplements, nutritional shakes, less pseudo-food that comes in crinkly wrappers and lives in vending machines.

So I spent all the moneys and bought all the things to help me get healthy.

Sunshine's only comment? "Cindy, don't stop doing this shit when you get to feeling better. This is your pattern. You get sick, you take the pills and drink the shakes, you get to feeling better, and you stop taking the pills and drinking the shakes." I promised to keep up with it and not get sick again.

Here I am, mere weeks later, skipping the shakes and not taking the pills.

I feel like shit. I have no energy and I am always hungry no matter how much I have eaten. I am craving cookies and candy, which is just my body trying to slap a band-aid on the problem.

I really woke up to this when I caught myself thinking: "OK, today we're getting the nails did and going to the grocery store, so we're going to have candy for breakfast. We can skip the shake this morning"
(never mind that I skipped the shake yesterday morning too, and felt like absolute hell all day)
and then I heard Sunshine's words in my head:

"Cindy, this is your pattern."

Fuck. I'm off to drink that shake and eat something with protein in it. Thank heaven for protein bars and energy bars that are good for you yet taste like things that come in crinkly wrappers and live in vending machines.