07 July 2012

Restless, irritable, and discontent

My name is Cindy, and I am an addict.

This means that I am accustomed to instant gratification. Hell, I live in the western society; instant gratification is the norm. Tweets come through immediately, I can buy things at any hour of the day, my DVR means I can watch what I want when I'm ready to; worldly pleasure is only a heartbeat away.

Recovery isn't instant gratification. Recovery is a process, a journey. Don't leave before the miracle happens.

I suppose the miracle for me right now is that I can recognize that my restlessness, my irritability, my discontent all stem from having to wait for what I want. I want to advance in the company where I work, I want those Revo shades I saw last week, I want more Manolos, I want I want I want.

The miracle for me right now is that I can wait. I can ride out this restlessness, this irritability, this discontent. I can feel uncomfortable, and I don't feel like using.

The miracle for me right now is that I can know that this too shall pass. Does that make it any easier? Not right now. In an age of instant gratification, waiting for what I want isn't easy. In an age of instant gratification, knowing I may not get what I want isn't fun.

What is kind of nice is knowing that I will always have what I need, as long as I keep working the steps. What is kind of nice is knowing that imminent thermonuclear meltdown doesn't have to destroy my life or anyone else's life today.

I can ride this wave of restlessness, irritability, and discontent and wait for the wave of happy that is now coming.

6 comments:

  1. Good for you, Cindy - you go!!

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    1. I got through it! Thanks for being there

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  2. So great that you know that and can ride it out. I know the feeling, and I hate it too.

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    1. It sucked while it lasted; and even though it's gone, I'm sure that this contentment I'm feeling will pass as well ;-)

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  3. Oh boy does this hit home. I'm impatient. Very impatient. I want to see results now, I want to be happy now, I want to understand how everything is supposed to fit together NOW.

    Learning that I don't have to knock it out of the park the first time, that being good at anything is more about perseverance than genius, may seem obvious, but it's been a hard lesson for me. But.

    Understanding that if I persevere I will progress is what's been keeping me going these days. Riding it out, as you say, when you just feel shitty and defeated and generally unpleasant: the knowledge that there will be coasting time too.

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    1. I wish I knew how shit fit together. I sometimes wonder why why why; and then I am reminded that often, the why doesn't matter. What matters is "what do I want to do about it?" Today, I want to coast. Tomorrow, maybe I'll want to ask why.

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