Somehow, I got myself on every email list in the fucking universe.
OK, maybe I'm exaggerating. It's really more like every flash sale site email list in the universe. And most clothing store emails, too. (Note to self: Next time the cashier-girl at Old Navy asks for your email address so they can email you a receipt, taco-punch that bitch.) There are also a couple of social media sites that send me random emails that say shit like "so-and-so shared a tweet with the world" like teh twittah doesn't know that we check for new tweets every 2.38 milliseconds.
I think I get emails from every survey site in the universe, too. If not all of them, I'm sure it's the vast majority of them. Those fuckers flood my inbox with hundreds of emails a day: TAKE THIS SURVEY AND YOU WILL WIN A MANSION IN THE SWISS ALPS, GIVE YOUR OPINION AND YOU WILL WIN FREE APPLE PRODUCTS FOR LIFE,
I almost never "qualify" for those stupid fucking surveys. "We're sorry, we have already received the required number of responses from your demographic." Horseshit. How fucking many dog-owning, underemployed, living with domestic partner, 42 year old female drug addicts can there be in Uncertain fucking Texas. Oh, wait, I've met the neighbors. Never mind.
Those fucking survey emails are as annoying as those damned forwarded chain emails that warn me that if I do not forward this email to 4,365 people in the next 9.8 seconds, a ghost is going to rape my dog with a rotten cucumber tonight while I sleep. Those stupid fucking forwarded chain emails? Are why I allowed myself to forget how to log in and check my old email address. That shit used to piss me off. "Obamacare is destroying America. Now go shoot 675 undocumented immigrants and forward this email to 587 people in 3.6 seconds or you ain't American, goddammit!" Or: "Jesus loved you this much. Now forward this email to 381 people within 4.7 seconds or you do not love Jesus and you are a Muslim and a terrorist and you will be left behind to be tortured by the antichrist along with all your terrorist friends when Jesus returns to claim his chosen people!" (Don't get me wrong, I love Jesus as much as the next heathen shoe-whore, but I believe that there are better, more spiritual, more Christian ways to show my love for my Higher Power than by annoying people with emails--things like being accepting and tolerant of people who don't believe the same shit I do. More Christians need to act more like my sister and some of my Band Sisterhood who are very openly devout Christians, and just love EVERYBODY, and try to live Jesus' teachings instead of shoving them down people's throats; those are the Christians I am proud to know. I digress.) So I don't give out my email address these days, unless I am pretty fucking sure I don't have to see your disapproving chain emails 917 times a day.
So, as I am trying to move towards doing more with less inside my home, I am slowly but surely clicking that miniscule unsubscribe button hiding at the bottom of all those fucking emails.
Want to hear something really fucking batshit crazy?
I'm considering giving up my smartphone.
Don't keel over dead with a heart attack or stroke just yet. I hadn't said I was definitely going to give up my smartphone. I just said I was considering it. I mean, really, these mobile phone company assholes are raping me and I'm seriously considering going back to those old stupid phones that only talk and text.
What? You think I can't read your tweets without a smartphone? You CAN get tweets in your text messaging inbox, you know. Besides, unless wifi is turned off, the damned phone isn't using the mobile company's bandwith anyway. Even fucking McDonald's has free wifi now. And if wifi IS on, but the fucking router is down, the damned phone won't go to plan B and use the mobile company's bandwith, it just keeps trying to connect to a router that is ignoring it. (How smart does that make my smartphone? Pretty fucking stupid, if you ask me.) So why do I need a data plan? Besides, in the aftermath of the zombie apocalypse, the network is going to be overloaded anyway, and my I'm-not-really-so-fucking-smart-phone won't be able to do shit anyway, so why not have a talk-and-text-only zombie apocalypse phone that might be as successful as my I'm-not-really-smart-fucking phone at getting a text through? At least it will hold a charge, unlike my I'm-really-fucking-stupid-I-just-look-fucking-smart-phone that will run down its own batteries trying to communicate with a router that's fucking ignoring it.
I've already asked for an android based tablet for The Christmas. It can't be as heavy as my "I want to give everybody screen envy" laptop I just HAD to have and rarely ever use because it only weighs as much as a truckload of Sunshine's bricks. Why have multiple devices that perform the same functions? It's not like I'd need a 4G tablet, even fucking McDonald's has free wifi now. And how often do I talk on my smartphone? Let's just say that I don't even use one quarter of my minutes every month, and I have the smallest voice plan offered. I'd say it's at least worth investigating the possibilities, and it could save me a metric fucktonne of money every month.
I'm cutting down on the amount of emails I receive. It'll make it less stressful to check my email, which means that I will be more likely to actually act on those emails I like getting, like the ones from my friends and fellow Bandmates, or the ones that say "You won a prize" that really mean I won a prize, or the ones that say "you've got a comment on your blob post" (and it isn't a google-translator-english comment that makes no sense and was sent by a spammer).
When I said I was going to explore minimalism, I meant it. I'm going to examine all areas of my life and figure out where I am too overwhelmed. Digital clutter? Overwhelms me. The clutter in my food cupboards? Overwhelms me. The clutter in my bathroom cabinet? Overwhelms me. The clutter in the trunk of my Honda? Used to overwhelm me when it lived inside my house. Now it just sits there, waiting for me to make the trek into town so that I can give it to someone who can use it.
I'm tired of the clutter. I'm tired of the overload. I'm tired of the non-stop messaging that bombards me from every possible angle that attempts to seduce me with more empty promises.
I refuse to let digital clutter make me hate to check my email account. There are some of you who I love very much with whom I generally communicate via email. I refuse to let digital clutter come between us.
I'm slowly but surely clicking that miniscule unsubscribe button hiding at the bottom of all those fucking emails.