Recovery is good, don't get me wrong. I know freedom from active addiction. I live happy, joyous, and free.
However, recovery means applying spiritual principles. Recovery means constant self-examination. I must constantly check my motivations for doing the shit I do. I have to look at my reactions to shit, and WHY I reacted the way I did. Part of my deep introspection is probably spurred by Sunshine's journey into fringe science, zombie programs, neurophysiology, and pseudo-philosophy.
When I refuse to let my boss be generous because I am questioning what makes her tick, I have to start asking myself why her behaviour bothers me and why I am being so unyielding.
My boss is a little bit of a perfectionist, a little OCD, a little bit stubbornly proud. When I find myself thinking about all that, I can't help but look at myself. Part of me remembers being very much like that. Part of me wonders why I am still like that in so many ways. Part of me just wants to go buy myself some new shoes, because all this self-examination is cooking my noodle.
A desire to buy new shoes kicks off a whole new avenue of self-examination. Why do I want to buy new shoes? What is my motivation? While there is nothing inherently wrong with wanting or buying new shoes, there is something off about doing it for the wrong reasons. See, I can fix with new shoes and new tops and new pants and cookies and all that other shit I can use to distract me from feeling the way I feel.
I wish I had the luxury of just saying fuck it.
I don't.
If I don't constantly check my motivations, my reactions, my actions, I am doomed to eventually repeat the cycle of insanity known as active addiction. I don't have the luxury of NOT looking at myself and asking "why?"
Ultimately, the why isn't important. Well, it is and it isn't. It doesn't matter why I'm an addict; what matters is what I want to do about it. However, part of doing something about getting into the solution involves checking my motivations, excuses, and reasons. I have to ask why.
I can do anything and go anywhere as long as I am doing it for the right reasons. I can't do seemingly normal things for fucked up reasons if I want to live happy joyous and free.
So, now that I've looked at my boss' motivations, and taken my own inventory in the process, I understand that there is still a lot of sick thinking going on.
I also understand that I am probably about to go buy new shoes for all the wrong reasons.
Will that stop me? Not bloody likely.
At least I find that there are a whole lot less negative consequences associated with buying new shoes than buying (and using) dope.
Just for today, I'll take that as a small victory. Maybe tomorrow, I'll sit down with my sponsor and look at the sick thinking that makes it more of an example of continued insanity.
Who knows? Maybe I'm just overthinking it all.
The fact that you are self aware of how your thinking works and where it might lead you just shows how strong you are. Posting it to make yourself accountable is pretty balls out too. Keep being the awesome you, and you'll stay in recovery. xoxo
ReplyDeleteAccountability. That's what I think I didn't know I was searching for. Thank you, Dawn. #thisiswhyiloveyou
DeleteTake your victories, my love. And though I haven't walked in your beautiful sparkly shoes, I too find myself overthinking down into a rabbit hole of WTF kinda stuff. So take the victories when they arise, and keep working on the rest. The alternative is not somewhere we want to be.
ReplyDeleteNo shit. The alternative is a rabbit hole far less pleasant than Alice's.
DeleteHey! I missed you! I know exactly what you mean, I in my own way must stay on my own straight-and-narrow. It seems like this is a lesson that keeps on giving, right?
ReplyDeleteWhen I worked through the worst of my addiction, I gave myself permission to use the addiction as a coping method. (Hey, I knew I was going to anyway, I just decided to stop flogging myself for that fact.) The deal was (and I always make deals with myself) that I had to, as soon as I thought of it or came to, if you will, I had to ask myself how I was feeling. Well. Worked like a charm and within a year my coping method no longer worked as well as working through the feelings. Imagine!
But I think after addiction (if you will) it is the devotion to sticking with the program, whatever one works, that sees us through the times of triggers. It sounds like you are doing the work around yours. I'm glad we continue to do this in parallel, yet concurrent, universes. It brings me much peace to know that I am not alone. <3
I love knowing that you are there, even though "there" is geographically far away. You are always in my heart!
DeleteThe way I look at it, eating Cadbury mini eggs is a fuck ton better than doing an eightball. Do I use it as a replacement, a reward, a salve? Sure, sometimes. But if I'm aware of it and it's not making my life unmanageable, I call it good.
ReplyDeleteI love these posts, makes me feel like I'm back in the rooms.
Good point. My shoes have remained manageable, thanks to the "new one in, old one out" theory. I'll take it as a small victory.
DeleteA little bit of overthinking isn't bad. At least, that is what I tell myself when I do it.
ReplyDeleteAnd actually, I probably should spend a little time at least thinking about my motivations this week. Even though I'm not an addict, I still need that, especially when unhealthy coping techniques start popping up.
Every day you aren't buying and using dope is a victory. Period.
Oh, Tracie, how I love you. You're right, I'm worrying too much about the small silly stuff and not taking a moment to remember that EVERY DAY CLEAN IS ANOTHER DAY WON! #thisiswhyiloveyou
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