Recovery is good, don't get me wrong. I know freedom from active addiction. I live happy, joyous, and free.
However, recovery means applying spiritual principles. Recovery means constant self-examination. I must constantly check my motivations for doing the shit I do. I have to look at my reactions to shit, and WHY I reacted the way I did. Part of my deep introspection is probably spurred by Sunshine's journey into fringe science, zombie programs, neurophysiology, and pseudo-philosophy.
When I refuse to let my boss be generous because I am questioning what makes her tick, I have to start asking myself why her behaviour bothers me and why I am being so unyielding.
My boss is a little bit of a perfectionist, a little OCD, a little bit stubbornly proud. When I find myself thinking about all that, I can't help but look at myself. Part of me remembers being very much like that. Part of me wonders why I am still like that in so many ways. Part of me just wants to go buy myself some new shoes, because all this self-examination is cooking my noodle.
A desire to buy new shoes kicks off a whole new avenue of self-examination. Why do I want to buy new shoes? What is my motivation? While there is nothing inherently wrong with wanting or buying new shoes, there is something off about doing it for the wrong reasons. See, I can fix with new shoes and new tops and new pants and cookies and all that other shit I can use to distract me from feeling the way I feel.
I wish I had the luxury of just saying fuck it.
If I don't constantly check my motivations, my reactions, my actions, I am doomed to eventually repeat the cycle of insanity known as active addiction. I don't have the luxury of NOT looking at myself and asking "why?"
Ultimately, the why isn't important. Well, it is and it isn't. It doesn't matter why I'm an addict; what matters is what I want to do about it. However, part of doing something about getting into the solution involves checking my motivations, excuses, and reasons. I have to ask why.
I can do anything and go anywhere as long as I am doing it for the right reasons. I can't do seemingly normal things for fucked up reasons if I want to live happy joyous and free.
So, now that I've looked at my boss' motivations, and taken my own inventory in the process, I understand that there is still a lot of sick thinking going on.
I also understand that I am probably about to go buy new shoes for all the wrong reasons.
Will that stop me? Not bloody likely.
At least I find that there are a whole lot less negative consequences associated with buying new shoes than buying (and using) dope.
Just for today, I'll take that as a small victory. Maybe tomorrow, I'll sit down with my sponsor and look at the sick thinking that makes it more of an example of continued insanity.
Who knows? Maybe I'm just overthinking it all.