05 August 2013

What was I thinking?

Some days, I feel like I spend too much time trying to chase down a thought. Just a few moments ago, I noticed that the air conditioner was running in the bedroom, and I thought to myself "I need to go turn that up during the next commercial break", and I was immediately afraid that I would forget about it before that 90 seconds have passed.

I don't know if this is just a natural part of getting older, or if this is the result of all that dope I used for far too long, but it is scary to think that this might be the new normal for me.

My thoughts just feel so fleeting at times that I wonder if I'm meant to hold onto them. Perhaps they aren't so brilliant after all. Maybe it wasn't that important to begin with, you know?

I don't let it higher me when I don't remember where I put my car keys, I don't get upset when I forget something at the grocery store, and I have long since quit being bothered that I can't remember what happened to my pants. I mean, the keys can't have gone too far in less than 250 square feet of living space, muffins aren't that big of a deal as long as there is SOMETHING to eat, and who really gives a shit whether or not I'm wearing pants out here in the swamp when it's this fucking hot? Those aren't the failings of memory that frighten me.

It's when I walk from the couch to the bathroom and can't even remember why I did such a thing that scares me. It's knowing that I am afraid I will lose my train of thought that scares me.

Maybe I should run for office. It sure would be nice to be reminded what I did in my 20s, right? Too bad that won't help me remember why I'm in the bathroom right now.

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