09 October 2011

Love hard

Every decision I have ever made in my life has been ruled by fear. Fear of failure. Fear of success. Fear of knowing my true self. Fear of getting hurt. Fear, fear, fear.

Since I found myself in the rooms of Narcotics Anonymous, I have started learning that true courage isn't an absence of fear. True courage is the shit we do IN SPITE of fear. And as I have worked the 12 steps, I have found that I just don't have that much to fear. It's like there are no big deals anymore.

I can lie in the floor as a tornado rips the world around me to shreds and I can feel hysterical giggles building inside at the absurdity of the situation: A) what does an atheist do in this situation?, and B) Mr.  Sunshine keeps making me eat carpet because I keep poking my head up to listen for the sounds of breaking glass beneath all the noise of wind and exploding trees. I experienced the most unbelievable peace while that tornado wreaked havoc, and I've been OK with my own mortality ever since.

I don't worry about making ends meet anymore; it just seems that there is always enough. I don't worry about going to prison anymore,  because, well, obviously.

There are no big deals.

Until I open my eyes and heart to the unbelievable love in my life. The love I feel for my Mr. Sunshine, the love I know he feels for me; the absolute purity of my mother's love for me and the unbelievable depths of my love for my mom; the unconditional love I find in the rooms of Narcotics Anonymous and the way I am able to love my fellow recovering addicts in spite of their disease; the amazing love I have for my friends and the way they love me so hard in return; the ladies and gentlemen of Band Back Together, and the way we all love each other, even though we haven't met face to face.

I've opened my eyes and heart to the only big deal left.

I hate people, yet there are individuals I love very much. Maybe I don't really hate people. Maybe it's more like I'm afraid of them; afraid of getting hurt.

Those people I love? I love them so hard it hurts, like a pressure squeezing my heart.

Is it scary? Abso-fucking-lutely. When you love someone, there is always a chance of getting hurt.

And those people love me too. They walk through all kinds of shit, all kinds of pain it discomfort, because they love me. They love me so hard it hurts.

If you never know what it is to love so hard it hurts, you don't know how exhilarating love can be.

Today, I am so grateful to know what it means to love so hard it hurts.

Love hard, people. It's the only way to truly feel alive.


  1. I don't think you hate people, I think you have one of the most welcoming hearts I've ever met. And I love you for it.

  2. Oh, Cindy. You're making me wonder if it's not so much a matter of me not knowing how to make friends so much as it is being afraid of being hurt and holding back. I love you, too, lady. LONG TIME. <3

  3. I love you Cindy. This is a really really beautiful post. <3

  4. "If you never know what it is to love so hard it hurts, you don't know how exhilarating love can be." Absolutely gorgeous and absolutely true. Love you, lady! Big hugs!