07 January 2012

Things I shouldn't be saying at my age

"I just snuck out of mom's house to smoke" definitely tops the list.

I'm at mom's this weekend. She hasn't smoked in decades. So I have to smoke outside. She's retired, so she no longer gets up at the asscrack of dawn. So I have to be quiet when I go outside. It feels kind of weird.

"But mom, I really want new shoes" just sounds so wrong coming out of my 41+ year old mouth.

We were at the mall and I wanted shoe stores. Because I wanted new shoes. Mom says "you are NOT getting shoes." She thinks my shoes are ridiculous and that I need to start wearing flat-heel shoes. She's got this mental image of me, at 62, tottering around in 5" platforms.
She's got a point, and I have started buying (and wearing) less skyscraper-ish heels. But I still want new shoes. Always I want new shoes.

"But mom, I thought we were going to DO something" sounds exceptionally whiny coming from me.

She thinks I mean get in the car and go places and shop and shit like that.
I don't. I just thought she had this, like, whole list of chores she wanted help with and then I get here and there's 3 (three) little things she wants done. We finished by 11 AM yesterday. I didn't bring any books or anything because I thought we would be all cleaning the closets and moving furniture and shit.
When did my mom start wasting slave labor (I mean, her children's energy)?

"But I LIKE diet Dr. Pepper" sounds rebellious.

Mom thinks I eat too much cookies and such. Also, I drink too much caffeine.
Oh well, I gave up booze and drugs. Leave me alone.

These are things I shouldn't be saying at my age.

You got any?


  1. Ha, Kirstie Alley is 61 and rocks the shit out of some 5" platforms.

  2. I once saw this woman leaving an "independent" elder living facility in 5 inch stiletto boots. She was skinny as a whip, and wearing tight tight jeans and some spangly top and a coat or something. Her makeup was a bit more than I'd necessarily wear in daytime hours, but I just put that down to poor eyesight and bad eldercare facility lighting.

    I was so impressed by the heels, those pointy toed boots, that I said something about her looking fabulous. She said, Well. The old bitties in there (she indicated with a sharp tip of her head toward the high rise) say I don't dress my age. That I think I'm all THAT.

    Now. Back in the day (1995, to be more or less precise) after my grandma died and my grandfather moved his butt into one of those places, the crowd that was already there was pretty snooty and treated him like nothing UNTIL they discovered that (a) he was a card shark and (b) the man could dance. Next door to his building was a fancier place where the sister of his ex girlfriend from back in the day lived, she's the one that got him into this mess in the first place. She. Was class. She would come over, they'd get someone to play the piano, and they'd ballroom dance all afternoon in the common area. Well suddenly the rest of the ladies sat up and took notice. The men liked his skills at cards.

    And I thought. It just goes to show, eh.

    And so I said to that lady out for her walk, Screw them. You look great. You have a style you are rocking. They're just jealous.

    Now I am not suggesting that you tell your mom to screw off or anything, but I'm also not sure you need to pipe down the shoes that you wear. I am not planning to. Not ever. You know, unless it hurts too much.