Marketeers

Lately, I've been thinking a bit about how things are marketed. I mean, who dreams up this shit, anyway?

Maybe it's because I've had Gwen Stefani on the brain recently. Jeans that only cost $600? Blouses that only cost $400? That shit makes me want to bash in the side of her bottle blonde head. $400 is six months satellite service, or four months of cellular service. $400 is not a fucking blouse in this household.

(Side note: yes, I wear a lot of designer clothes. I do NOT, however, pay retail for them. Not even close. I shop thrift stores, I shop consignment shops, I shop yoox, I have a neighbor that gave me some of those pieces.)

So fuck you, Gwen Stefani. Fuck your jeans that "only" cost $600. They'd probably make my thighs look fat, and who wants to spend $600 for that when New York & Company has skinny jeans that don't make me hate my thighs for about 10% of what your fucking jeans cost. Eat a turd.

Thinking about jeans that "only"cost cost $600 sets in motion the strange connections in my mind. The one that starts with jeans that only cost $600 and moves on to "have a happy period."

"Have a happy period"? That had to be a dumbshit man. There is no such thing as a happy period. Not even when you've been worried you might be pregnant. Who the fuck is happy about bleeding like a mortally wounded beast of prey, for seven fucking days? Who the fuck is happy about the cramps that come with that seven days of bleeding?

"Have a happy period"? Eat a tampon, you fucking douche canoe. Somebody needs to enact a clawback clause and take your salary back. Worst slogan ever.

Which leads me to "enjoy the go". This is the new campaign for a major brand of toilet paper.

Who the hell thought that was a good idea? Even my inner 12 year old doesn't find that amusing. Poop is funny. Pooping is not. I hate to poop. Pooping is not something to enjoy. It is something to suffer through and get it done with so I can go about my day.

"Enjoy the go"? Enjoy me spending my money on another brand of toilet paper, you fucking asshat. You should be fired.

This is the kind of shit that makes it really easy to ignore all of the messaging that's out there. This is the kind of shit that makes me so damned glad I have a DVR. I get to fast forward through all the stupid fucking commercials out there. Whoever invented digital video recorders is my hero this morning.

Have a happy period, y'all!