So last night, on our way to the meeting, Sunshine & I stop at Circle K for soda & candy. Who should I see walk past me but Sunshine's youngest child.
Now, to fill you in, the last time I opened my home & heart to this kid to give him a chance, he threw such a shit-stomping fit that I called the police on him. Calling 911 is not something I take lightly. Even though I am in recovery now, and therefore have no fear of encounters with law enforcement, I still don't want contact with the police. Because I am in recovery now, I also know that police officers are human too, and don't really want to deal with horseshit like my Sunshine's kid in the throes of a hissy-fit. The poor cop who responded to my call did say that being at my house dealing with Sunshine's kid was a better option than much of the stuff cops have to do, which makes sense.
I was so torn last night. There's the recovering addict in me who wants to save this kid. There's also the recovering addict in me who can see, very clearly, that the kid is just not ready to surrender yet. And there is the human in me who just didn't want to deal with the kid's horseshit, especially not when I was so tired from a hard, busy day.
Ultimately, I escaped the night unscathed. I didn't have to stab anybody and I didn't have to call 911. If I can escape an "adventure" like last night's with nothing more than anger and bad mojo so thick in my car that it clings to my skin like oily venom, I have much to be grateful for.
I'm quite angry.
I'm angry as hell that Sunshine didn't even make a show of giving a shit about how I felt about putting this little shit in my car. Sunshine could have at least pretended he cared whether or not I wanted any part of the horseshit.
And yet, I don't know how to express my anger. Because I truly listen to suggestions today, I have to trust my mother when she tells me that I must not try and bitch at Sunshine about the effect his out-of-control-kid has on my life and sanity. See, mom is right. Bitching about it would just drive a wedge between me & Sunshine.
I'm grateful for the ladies #withtheband who were awake and supportive via teh twitterz. I'm grateful for the IRL friend who saw a tweet about what fucking neighborhood this little shit had me in and called me.
I suppose I'm going to have to go the the Band Back Together project and read our RP on loving an addict. I need help, y'all. I need to know what to do with this anger, so I don't cause a problem with Sunshine. I need to figure out how to express it without being a bitch about it, because when I'm rational, Sunshine listens. He may not change his behaviour, but he listens, and that is a lot and that is good.
I need to know how to calm the Anger Beast. Because I'm pissed the fuck off.