So last night, on our way to the meeting, Sunshine & I stop at Circle K for soda & candy. Who should I see walk past me but Sunshine's youngest child.
Now, to fill you in, the last time I opened my home & heart to this kid to give him a chance, he threw such a shit-stomping fit that I called the police on him. Calling 911 is not something I take lightly. Even though I am in recovery now, and therefore have no fear of encounters with law enforcement, I still don't want contact with the police. Because I am in recovery now, I also know that police officers are human too, and don't really want to deal with horseshit like my Sunshine's kid in the throes of a hissy-fit. The poor cop who responded to my call did say that being at my house dealing with Sunshine's kid was a better option than much of the stuff cops have to do, which makes sense.
I was so torn last night. There's the recovering addict in me who wants to save this kid. There's also the recovering addict in me who can see, very clearly, that the kid is just not ready to surrender yet. And there is the human in me who just didn't want to deal with the kid's horseshit, especially not when I was so tired from a hard, busy day.
Ultimately, I escaped the night unscathed. I didn't have to stab anybody and I didn't have to call 911. If I can escape an "adventure" like last night's with nothing more than anger and bad mojo so thick in my car that it clings to my skin like oily venom, I have much to be grateful for.
I'm quite angry.
I'm angry as hell that Sunshine didn't even make a show of giving a shit about how I felt about putting this little shit in my car. Sunshine could have at least pretended he cared whether or not I wanted any part of the horseshit.
And yet, I don't know how to express my anger. Because I truly listen to suggestions today, I have to trust my mother when she tells me that I must not try and bitch at Sunshine about the effect his out-of-control-kid has on my life and sanity. See, mom is right. Bitching about it would just drive a wedge between me & Sunshine.
I'm grateful for the ladies #withtheband who were awake and supportive via teh twitterz. I'm grateful for the IRL friend who saw a tweet about what fucking neighborhood this little shit had me in and called me.
I suppose I'm going to have to go the the Band Back Together project and read our RP on loving an addict. I need help, y'all. I need to know what to do with this anger, so I don't cause a problem with Sunshine. I need to figure out how to express it without being a bitch about it, because when I'm rational, Sunshine listens. He may not change his behaviour, but he listens, and that is a lot and that is good.
I need to know how to calm the Anger Beast. Because I'm pissed the fuck off.
I'm not a recovering addict, but I know what it is to have anger flare up that's so overwhelming it feels like it's replaced your insides and just wants to laser-beam everyone around you.
ReplyDeleteSome thoughts about your anger: you have worked so hard to get your life together and under some sort of control, and because you love this man you feel like you have lost your power over this situation. You have worked (and continue to work) your ass off to stay straight, but you now have to suffer from an addiction over which you have no control. In other words, you've worked to not have your addiction run you life, and here you are being held hostage by this kid's behavior.
You work hard to be a good, sober partner to Sunshine, and here he goes bringing an addict into your lives. You believe that your anger would drive a wedge between you and Sunshine; you're worrying about behaving badly, and yet he expects you to deal with his kids' out-of-control bullshit. Because that's what it is, and you know it. Your anger is rational; you are angry because you feel that he would distance himself if you expressed negative feelings, yet you feel he expects you to put up with his kid's shit. You're afraid that you can't express very justifiable anger without being rejected, but his kid can be all kinds of crap and he forces you to deal with it, I'd be angry, too.
You can tell him how you feel. Show him this message. If he's not privy to this blog, copy it into Word and say, "I've written this as an exercise and I need you to read it." If he's a caring, sane person, he will see your point.
I don't give a shit whether you are addict or earthling. Wisdom and help can come from either, and I will gladly accept it.
DeleteYou have given me much to think about, and all that thinking helped me gain insight. For that, I thank you! I can now see that there is a big difference between bitching about how he deals with his kid, and expressing my honest anger at being subjected to his kid's horseshit without being offered the chance to opt out of it.
The two are indeed separate issues. One of them is none of my business. The other absolutely is. I have every right to say how I feel about being subjected to his kid's unmanageability without being offered the opportunity to opt out of it. I have no business telling him how he should deal with his kid, as long as he doesn't bring the kid into my home. Thank heaven Sunshine realizes the wisdom in not letting his kids know where we live, right?
And--You are absolutely right. I have worked my ass off to rid my life of unmanageability, both mine and other people's. My sponsor tells me that I do not have to put up with unnecessary horseshit. Last night was the definition of unnecessary horseshit.
Sunshine is a decent person, and when I express my justified anger, and leave the parenting advice out of it, he will hear me and he will care.
Thank you for helping me get a clearer perspective.
I scrolled down to hear the comments because I have two unmanageable -- no three -- inlaws. I also have unmanageable parents, but they are mine, and I can set my limits easily there because they are mine.
ReplyDeleteJC's opinion is very simple and clear and I have no choice but to agree. The other night I told my husband that I am near breaking, and think I will seek counseling. And then I told him where I am at and what "breaking" will look like.
In that conversation, we got into the very messy "how he deals or doesn't with his family" conversation. But ultimately at the end, I steered it back to what this whole thing is doing to my life, and insisted that, while the conversation couldn't possibly avoid the topic of his family, the conversation was about how it was impacting me and how I could continue to deal with it (or not, that is a possibility) and the possibility that I could break at some point (and tell them straight because I would be at that point, not at all constructive regardless of my intentions and careful phrasing).
His family is the one place where I am pulled back into the behaviours that fed my addictive behaviours. It is essential that I be able to sort through those and, as my partner, it is also essential that my husband sort through it with me, regardless of his/my dealings with his family, in my opinion. And as much as he has feelings, of guilt, anger, confusion, love, concern, guilt, did I mention guilt? I believe he must also give me some listening time without judgement. The other night we managed through the conversation, without conclusion but at least without anger (eventually) and left it with a better idea of where things sit.
I really hope that you and Sunshine find the same thing, or (of course) something similar that is tailored your situation. I am still going to find a therapist for myself to help me find a workable perspective. Because ultimately his family are also my children's family and I'm pretty stuck with them and their completely dysfunctional ways of dealing with life. I'm hoping it will also bring me some better idea of how to cope with other people I meet who have little in way of reasonable social skills. If you know what I mean. Because right now I just want to run as fast as I can in the other direction.
We talked without anger, which was good. I just don't know what tp do with the kid. It's sad, it makes me angry, and it's horribly sad because I know what's in store for the kid. His horseshit is going to get him killed. I hope you find answers, and peace.
DeleteI'm so glad you did. I don't think there is anything I can do about my in-laws except absent myself as best as possible, and I have a feeling it is the same for you (as you say below).
DeleteBut do you suppose there is a way to set the precedent before it occurs again so that we don't say fuck this shit and are able to exit with grace, you know, to not be rude. Strategies. That's what I'm looking for. Let me know if you find strategy that works.
I'm just going to keep plugging along to the answer zone and the peace zone, but I am pretty sure the only ones I'll ever find are nestled inside of me and inside of my relationship with my husband. The others are truthfully interested in neither.
I hope the kid finds his straight and narrow. Watching the trainwreck as it happens is a nightmare, especially if you know where the road leads from personal experience. That just has to be brutally hard, no matter what.
I think you're right, the amswer lies in you, and my amswer lies in me. I'm grateful that this only seems to happen every year to year amd a half with Sunshine's kid, so I have time get quiet and still and listen for the answer.
DeleteYay for perspectives:)
ReplyDeleteI'll be thinking of you, and I wish you much luck in your discussion with your Sunshine. I know that this sort of thing can be a delicate area for some. Love and hugs.
I'm afraid that not being a parent makes it nearly impossible to see Sunshine's perspective, and because it's his child we're talking about, he has a hard tome seeing mine. I told him I'd just like the option to disengage next time. Becaise there will be a next time, and after that, another next time, and so on. I suppose I could always just say "fuck this shit" to both their faces next time, and take a cab somewhere where the kid is not. Which is rude, yet protects MY sanity I've worked so hard for.
DeleteI can only imagine how difficult this whole thing is for you. I agree with JC and Karen, though: you deserve for Sunshine to hear how this makes you feel.
ReplyDelete"...bad mojo so thick in my car that it clings to my skin like oily venom..."
YES. Me, right now. Perfect.
Love you long time, lady.
xoxo
oh, honey, whatever is wrong, I hope it gets better for you fast! much love and hugs!
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