23 March 2012

Step One

For whatever reason, the first step of NA has been on my mind this morning.

Step 1: We admitted that we were powerless over our addiction and that our lives had become unmanageable.

Dude, unmanageable isn't the word for it. When it gets so bad that the state steps in and manages your life for you, then it's definitely a sign that things are out of control.

I'm grateful that, today, I have a different understanding of "addiction" and "unmanageable".

Addiction. A disease that affects mind, body, and spirit; marked by obsessive thought processes and compulsive behaviour.

Having truly worked the first step, and understanding the nature of my disease [of addiction], I can honestly say that if I were to pick up and use today, I have no idea where it would take me. (I stole this quote, from Doug L. There are no original lines in NA, they have all been stolen from somebody else.)

Having truly worked the first step, and understanding the nature of my disease, today I can say that addiction truly affects every aspect of my life. (Have you seen the shoes in my house? I was literally in the floor last night rolling around in a pile of shoes.) The insecurity and fear still try and plague me; the good news is that most days I work through the insecurity and fear and try and get into the solution.

Unmanageable. I'm grateful that the state doesn't feel the need to step in and manage my life for me these days. That doesn't mean that my life is manageable by any means. (Did I mention that I literally rolled around the floor in a pile of shoes last night, squee-ing about how much I love shoes?)

Oftentimes, today, the unmanageability has far less negative consequences for me than it used to. I mean, honestly, I can say that I haven't done scandalous shit to obtain those shoes that I rolled around in the floor with last night.

Many times, I find that other people's unmanageability affects my life in negative ways, bringing a sense of loss of control, of unmanageability, to my own life. Like the horseshit this weekend with the landlord's wife and the woman who no longer puppysits my Mollie (because I got tired of picking up my dog to find that she had so many ant bites on her tummy and in her private personal parts that she needed medical care).

My life feels so completely out of whack right now because of the drama those two trifling-ass women caused that I feel like the first step is definitely the one to be looking at right now, and figuring out how to apply it in my own life.

(For the record, the drama is this: the landlord's wife tried to evict the beautiful nan and pap this past weekend, citing such horseshit reasons as: Cindy no longer takes her dog to so-and-so to babysit because of nan and pap, Cindy no longer goes on walks with so-and-so the same so-and-so who no longer puppysits my Mollie because of nan and pap, I don't like the way you dress; the list went on and on. It was all horseshit, created out of thin air by two scandalous, trifling-ass women who aren't woman enough to confront their problems head-on and face-to-face and instead chose to act like elementary school tweeners. The really disgusting part of it? So-and-so, after months of skulking around the RV park with a sour expression on her face, is now disgustingly cheerful.)

All of this has resulted in my quest for another RV park to move to. That's right folks, therein lies an advantage of living in a magic bus. I can drive away when I feel like it.

I no longer feel comfortable in my own neighborhood. I want to move as far away from these trifling ass hos as I can possibly get.

Step one. I am powerless over other people.

Translated: It is none of my business what other people think of me. It is absolutely my business how they treat me.

Now, I haven't been confronted to my face about any of this horseshit, yet. If the landlord's psychotic wife doesn't like the way nan dresses, how long before she attacks my attire? Because my sense of style is very strong and very defined much like nan's.

So rather than live waiting for the attacks to begin against myself and Sunshine, I have been looking for a new place to live. Because being powerless over the landlord's psycho wife means that I am not able to change her. Being powerless over the skanky bitch who neglected my puppy to the point of needing medical care means that I won't be able to stop her trifling shit.

So, surrender. I can't change them.

What can I change here? Myself and my reactions to these fucking sorry excuses for women.

Because my sponsor tells me that I do not have to put up with unnecessary bullshit, and if there is an example of unnecessary bullshit in the dictionary, it is these two trifling ass hos. Because if I don't stand for something, I will fall for anything. Sunshine agrees with me to some extent here. It is wrong that nan and pap were attacked, it is wrong that our names were drug into it, it probably IS just a matter of time before we are attacked, and it makes it most uncomfortable to live here.

Step one. powerlessness and unmanageability. Got 'em in spades.

Which leaves me looking at step two. We came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

OK, that means it is going to take more than my feeble human efforts to fix this. yep, gotcha.

Step three. Made a decision to turn our will and lives over to the care of god as we understood him.

Heaven, help me get through this fucking pig roast tomorrow night without kicking these two trifling ass hos in the fucking teeth (oh, wait, only one of them HAS teeth). Heaven, help me figure out how to get out of here. Heaven, help me stay in close contact with nan and pap after leaving because you speak to me through them, I see you in them, I enjoy your creations when I hang out with them.

Heaven, show me your will for me and give me the strength to align my will with yours. And if I may add one more request, please rain down a plague on these two trifling ass hos.

In the end, the best revenge will be living well. Thank heaven I have the rest of the 12 steps to help me make sure I do just that.


  1. This is a really really awesome meditation, Cindy. Thing is, I'm really struggling with how to manage the hurricanes of influence in my life that are other flawed people. Some I just cut out entirely, but dammit, it is not always possible. But I haven't got past this. (And I won't lie, I am now considering a counselor to see if I can't find better answers.) So thanks for your thoughts, I'm going to spend some time with them today. And also? Start looking for a decent therapist.

    1. Karen, bless you for seeing this as a meditation with meaning instead of picking up on my growing black rage. What you've said here has me smelling a Band post on how I would just like to touch one person's life, helped someone, made a difference to somebody. I hope that I've given myself a new perspective on my little problem; and I hope you find a solution to yours. (((hugs))) Now, I'm off to think about finding a therapist.

  2. I fucking love you both. I think I needed this today, too. Big Navy is controlling my life and while I can't do anything about it, I can change my reaction. I can step back and let the process happens as it happens. I can't make the moving companies give their rates, I can't make the housing office put our application in. I CAN (try to) be patient and wait until the paperwork makes it's rounds.
    Also: You rolling around in shoes is just fan-fucking-tastic.

    1. Don't forget that I was literally squee-ing and sing-songing about how I love ahoes as I rolled around in the floor in a pile of shoes. Sunshine was flabbergasted.

  3. Wow, this is like my tiny miracle today. Powerless over people. Duh, right? But MAJOR revelation over here. I am going to make that my mantra - I am powerless over other people.
    I fucking love you, man.

    1. oh, woman, I love you too. Also, have started talking up the fish to catch and shit to shoot in the Pacific Northwest. You, Shevaun, and the new girl, TiaMaria, are all up there.

  4. This is just lovely. Thank you for giving me something to think on today. No control over others, eh? But control over how we're treated, eh? I like it.

    1. I can't believe that my angry rant has helped y'all find a new perspective. Yep, I smell a Band post coming on.