07 June 2012

Pants are bullshit. Really, they are.

I want to know why it is so impossible to find pants that actually fit. It can't be that fucking hard, y'all.

Apparently, it is.

I sometimes find pants that fit well in the waist, ass, and thighs. More often, I find pants that fit my ass and thighs and only need a small alteration in the waist.

That would be fabulous if the fucking legs on the pants were long enough to actually cover the legs on my body.

And why oh why, pray tell, do all of these short legged pants have such high rises? I mean, really, we're talking "pants, meet bra. Bra, meet pants."

If I were something other than average height, I could understand this. However, I'm not. I am a nice, average five feet and seven inches tall, with reasonably normal proportions. I do not have a short torso, and my legs aren't that damn long.

So why is it so difficult to find pants that actually fit at a reasonable price?

I've learned where to shop and what brands to buy in order to find pants that actually fit. It's a short list, people. A very short list. And most of it is most decidedly NOT affordable to the average girl. Armani is a perennial favorite of mine, because most of it is not ready to wear and therefore has about 6 extra miles of material in the legs. Thank heaven for Yoox and their clearance sale offerings that allow me to buy pants that fit (over the internet) at prices that are competitive with your average department store.

I just don't understand why clothing manufacturers make such weirdly proportioned clothes.

I mean, really, when I have to completely remove the hem from Ann Taylor pants just to get them long enough to wear with no shoes on, something is wrong with their proportions. It gets better. The waist of the pants hits somewhere above my kidneys. Are there that many Oompa Loompas out there that we need all these short legged, high waisted pants?

If the problem were confined to one brand, I'd be more understanding. It isn't.

If the problem were as simple as having a hard time finding pants that are long enough to wear with heels, I'd have more understanding. I can't find pants that are long enough to wear without shoes. What the fuck?

And heaven help me if I were actually a little bit on the short side. Sure, the length would work. But then the waist of my pants would be doubling as the collar of my shirt.

I'm thinking that I need to make really really good friends with my favorite tailor. Then I could just get them to make pants that fit me perfectly. But mah gawd, the cost would probably send me straight back to yoox for clearance sale Armani.

I don't know for sure why most of my beautiful friends think pants are bullshit. I just know that I think pants are bullshit because it is so hard to find pants that fit properly. Which is a crying shame, because not only do pants make me feel less vulnerable than skirts, they make my ass look pretty good.

Ugh. Off to teh interntz to see what yoox is offering today. I need better work pants.


  1. I've got it! Go back to school and learn to be a tailor. Crisis averted.