There's been some discussion going on amongst #thebrains about self-care. It's got me thinking.
Now, usually, my first mistake is thinking, because I am an addict (albeit a recovering one). Addicts have some seriously fucked up thought processes, y'all. Thought processes that start with "there's no creamer for the coffee" and end with "how the hell did I wind up in a jail cell in Tijuana?" So thinking? Dangerous for me.
And yet, I've been doing it anyway. Trying to figure out exactly what changed and when to bring me to this point. Now, "this point" doesn't mean that I'm now some picture-of-emotional-health spiritual-giant or some shit. I'm still sick, just not always as sick as I was.
Somewhere along the way (the way being the 12 steps), I quit hating myself. I also quit thinking I was the center of the universe. Yes, the two can co-exist.
I wish I could say exactly when it happened and exactly what I did to make it happen. I can't pinpoint it, though.
What I can say is that there is daily surrender involved. There is a higher power involved. Don't ask me to define my higher power, I won't. I'd probably wind up offending someone; and besides, it's a higher power of MY understanding.
My Higher Power (hereinafter referred to as HP) gives me permission to be imperfect. My HP forgives me for my imperfections. My HP gives me permission to forgive myself. My HP wants me to be OK.
Now, OK doesn't mean the same thing today that it meant years ago.
Often, I do not get what I want. I always get what I need.
I just have to trust and follow my HP's will in my life, and do the footwork to make it happen. Like, if I'm hungry, HP isn't going to magically waft food to my lap from the fridge--I gotta get up and open the fridge and take out the food. I gotta go apply for jobs--HP will give me the one I am supposed to have.
Somewhere in all that "trust the process" and "surrender" stuff, I quit hating myself and started practicing self-care. Today, when I put on my fancy-pants and stilettos, it isn't a mask. It's an outer reflection of the peace I feel inside. Some days it's just doing something physical to help me get through an emotionally sad day, and that's ok as long as I'm honest with someone about being sad.
I'm grateful that I found recovery. I'm grateful I found the Band. I'm grateful that I finally learned that I am worthy of being treated well by Cindy.
On that note, I gotta go make a breakfast shake so I don't run out of energy. Also, makeup. Because I'm worth it.