So, the other day at work, I was stuck working with the most miserable creature at my place of employment. As most of us know, misery loves company, so it tries really hard to be contagious. It was working me real hard, so I contacted my sponsor, who told me to make a gratitude list.
Lesson learned. Don't whine to your sponsor.
So, what exactly am I grateful for today?
Let's start with the miracle. I am clean today. I can remember a time when that was not possible.
I'll get the obvious out of the way next.
I have a comfy place to sleep, enough food to eat, a man/partner/companion/Sunshine who not only makes me laugh--he does the chores when I am at work and he is not.
I have shoes on my feet (well, not at the moment, but whatever, you know what I mean), clothes on my body, diet dr. pepper in the fridge (and soon to be in mah mouth), a puppy that gives sweet little doggie kisses and snuggles so close at night, and air conditioning that works.
I have a job. It may not be the greatest job, but it's a job. It lets me pay some of the bills and put aside some money for my next pair of Manolos (or Revos, or whatever absurdly expensive must-have that I am coveting at any given moment), and it isn't the worst job ever. It's not like I'm having to clean out port-a-potties, so there's that.
I am grateful for the less tangible things in my life, too.
Shit like Narcotics Anonymous, which helped bring about the miracle of recovery in my life. I have a program, and it works in spite of me. It means that I don't have to hurt today like I hurt the last time I detoxed. It also means that I don't have to be as miserable as that girl at work.
I see where my sponsor was trying to lead me.
I can remember what it was like to be that girl--so miserable, so full of hate, so impossible to like. I can remember what it was like to work harder at avoiding something than I would have worked to just do what was in front of me. I can remember what it was like to try and control everything I came across. (Y'all, it's fucking exhausting to try and be God. I happily let it/god have the job back today.)
I can remember what it was like to feel like this empty shell of humanity, so empty inside that it hurt. I can remember waking up at night, unable to breathe because the black void that lived inside me was trying to swallow me whole.
I don't have to fight that battle today. The big black void inside of me grows smaller with each small victory.
Today, I'm grateful for the victories. Every day clean is another day won.