16 August 2012

Catching up

As I looked around my house yesterday, I realized just how neglected it had been. I also realized how neglected Sunshine's business has been.

Neither of these factoids makes me happy. I like a clean house. I may not be as obsessive as my mom, but she certainly had an influence on me in that department. And yet, my house was overwhelmingly nasty. I agreed to take on Sunshine's bookkeeping because somebody else had made such a mess of it. Now that the woman who kept his life manageable is not moving to another state and Sunshine is starting yet another business, we are going to transition to letting the professional take over the bookwork again. And yet, I am ashamed to hand it to her as it is. It isn't so much a mess as it is not done at all.

I kicked myself in the ass for this shit for a few minutes, and then I got distracted. Something made a loud noise and shook the magic bus a little bit and I wound up tracking down RV parts and repairing the flap on the vent in the bathroom. In the rain. Of course, that meant that stuff I wanted to do inside the house didn't get done, but Sunshine was grateful I solved the problem and didn't throw it on his plate, so it was worth it.

I've heard a lot lately about what the universe thinks is important and what the universe thinks must be done. I'm mostly certain that it is people, not the universe, that screams all this stuff at us. The universe doesn't give a shit whether I earn more money so I can spend more money so we can stimulate the economy. The universe doesn't want me working in a toxic work environment that grinds up it's employees and sucks out their souls.

It took others pointing this shit out to me.

And so today, I am STILL catching up on all the things. All the things that have been neglected while I gave all of my energy to a crappy job. And even though it is not happening as quickly as I might like, it is happening. I am truly finding some me time, too. I spent the day with my wonderful friend @Reshaud, and we played air hockey. He also went to the Kroger with me since Sunshine had to put out a few fires of his own at work. I am quite certain that it would have taken three times as long and been less thoroughly done without his help.

I am slowly getting the house whipped into shape again. While it didn't look like an episode of "Hoarders" or anything, it was far from clean. (What is with those people on those hoarding shows, anyway. That isn't hoarding. Hoarding is what I do with coat hangers. Hoarding is what we do with magazines; shoes; figurines that look like teddy bears; books. Not cleaning your house for twenty years isn't hoarding. It's filth. I'm not saying there aren't mental health issues with those people; I'm just saying that it isn't the same as the obsessive/compulsive acquisition of random things.)

I digress.

My point here (for today) is that my priorities have been all kinds of fucked up. I have neglected the things that matter most to me. My recovery, my home, my family, my friends, my sanity.

So today, I will continue catching up on the house work and yard work and bookkeeping work. I will also continue the journey toward a more fulfilling or at least enjoyable job. And if I don't get it all done today, that will be OK. Because I am only human, and that is enough today.


  1. I am glad you are getting all the things done - at a pace that's right for your mental health.

    Also, I totally watch Hoarders to keep me on the straight and narrow. Because I love to collect books and stuff for my kids and shoes, yet what I see on Hoarders is people with all this (filthy) stuff they can't even enjoy or remember. It makes me think of depression more than acquisition.

    1. That's actually very insightful. Also, I think I did too many things today. I hurt myself. Nothing major, just muscle damage, but still, ugh. I feel better though, like I'm reclaiming my life. Which is good.

  2. I grew up in a house where if you walked away to say go use the bathroom or answer the door or the phone the newspaper you'd previously been sitting on the floor reading got thrown in the trash. (very annoying)

    I always swore that when I owned a home of my own that I'd never throw anything away. As it turns out ... ... ... if it is in my way I throw it away. I actually stopped getting the newspaper delivered for that very reason. Go figure. LOL

    1. I''m guilty of throwing away Sunshine's stuff when it is in my way. I will throw away my own shit, too; probably quicker than Sunshine's. This magic bus is WAY too small for all the things :-)