What have I done?

I am officially not going back to work. As I drove home yesterday, with my aching feet, legs, and hip, the thought of returning to that store and standing for eight hours while dealing with the horseshit from all the directions--well, it just made me want to lay down and die. Yet the fear I feel at trying to find a new job, one worth keeping, well, let's just say it is horrific.

I was struggling with it, until someone put it in perspective. I was told that jobs are just a relationship, albeit with a company rather than a person; and that if my man treated me the way that company treats employees (and made me feel the way my work did), I would walk away and not even worry about whether I could find another man. Wow. I've been in that position before, being the face of domestic violence and all, and it made it make perfect sense.

Today, I am going to finish some of all the things that have been un-done around my life for the last few weeks. Housecleaning. Sunshine's bookwork, which has been given the most minimal of efforts. Getting in touch with the folks that might be able to help me get into a position (read: job) that will be worth keeping and also will be more fulfilling. Getting in touch with some spanish language tv, so I can hopefully become closer to fluent. Beginning a job hunt, because as much as I would like to get into the addiction recovery field I cannot put all my eggs in one basket.

If it sounds like I am putting too much on my plate, well, I probably am. The big thing here is that I know I cannot do it all at once. Sunshine won't mind much that I am not bringing in a steady paycheck as long as I am working toward a goal and trying to make his life more pleasant while he shoulders the financial responsibility. I get that I cannot stress myself out by trying to do ALL THE THINGS at once.

I am also making the honey-do list long so that I have things to do to help alleviate the fear. That horrid fear that says I will not find a job worth keeping. That horrible fear that says that I am unemployable because of my history. That awful fear that tells me that I will never be able to work at something that feels purposeful; that I am doomed to a life of drudgery just to get by.

I am trying to stay in a little bit of denial. Denial that I am afraid. Denial that I want to freak the fuck out.

For now, I am off to do some of the important things for Sunshine. Because they are sorely past due to be done.

Wish me luck, please. I need the virtual glitter that you guys fling at me. It makes life a more open, airy, light-filled experience.