Sometimes, Sunshine just needs a taco punch

Sunshine has been under doctor's orders to lose weight for around four years now. The doctor originally ordered the weight loss to help lower Sunshine's scary-high blood pressure, and later tried adding that losing weight would help reduce Sunshine's lower back pain. The promise of less back pain is what finally motivated this asshat to lose the weight. (I say asshat because he is starting to drive me batshit with his weird grocery list additions.) For the first couple of years, he decided that we just wouldn't eat meat at night. That brought about a weight loss of about ten pounds over two years.

About six months ago, Sunshine decided that the way to go was to only have smoothies and a handful of almonds or cashews at night. That brought about another couple of pounds of weight loss over the last few months.

Now, Sunshine has decided that he is not going to eat any starchy foods, no sugars. Like I need to have to read more labels when I shop for groceries. Ass.

Now, I'm pretty sure that most of the developed world knows that crazy ass diets don't work. Losing weight is a lifestyle thing. Reduced caloric intake, healthy food choices, and exercise are the things that cause weight loss. Whatever, Sunshine, we'll do it your way.

Not.

Yes, I'm buying him his MetRx high protein, ultra low sugar engineered nutrition bars, so I'm doing it his way.

Except I'm doing it his way except with MY twist. I bought the lowest calorie, lowest fat MetRx protein bars. And I am buying healthier meats. Which means I am now the blasphemer who buys sausage with the word turkey in front of it.

Y'all, I know how sacrilegious that is. And I don't care. I'm not having this asshole go on some Atkins type diet and eat all this damned shit that is going to send his already hazardous blood pressure through the fucking roof.

So I went to GNC and got him some all-natural, non-stimulant based fat burning pills. (Shut up already if they don't work, I only wasted $25 and I am ok with that.) I also got him a multivitamin formulated for men over 50. See, the guy who worked there agreed with me that fad diets don't work, and that Sunshine needs to reduce his caloric intake, increase his activity levels, watch the fat content in foods, and take some multivitamins. He also told me to get some garlic pills and fish oil capsules to help lower Sunshine's blood pressure.

I'm sick of dicking with all these weird dietary requests. He can have his stupid fucking MetRx bars, but he's getting the ones I pick, damnit. He can have his sausage patties for lunch, but he's getting the fucking turkey sausage. Because loading up on greasy, high calorie meats isn't going to help anybody lose weight.

Sometimes, Sunshine needs a taco punch. What he gets, instead, is what I buy him at the grocery store. That means turkey sausage, tuna, cheese, and fruit, motherfucker. Also: garlic pills and fish oil capsules, because I don't want him to die of a stroke.

So, Sunshine gets what I buy him from the grocery store.

And I get cream cheese muffins from the bakery, because I'm not on a no starch, no sugar diet.