01 October 2012

Sometimes, Sunshine just needs a taco punch

Sunshine has been under doctor's orders to lose weight for around four years now. The doctor originally ordered the weight loss to help lower Sunshine's scary-high blood pressure, and later tried adding that losing weight would help reduce Sunshine's lower back pain. The promise of less back pain is what finally motivated this asshat to lose the weight. (I say asshat because he is starting to drive me batshit with his weird grocery list additions.) For the first couple of years, he decided that we just wouldn't eat meat at night. That brought about a weight loss of about ten pounds over two years.

About six months ago, Sunshine decided that the way to go was to only have smoothies and a handful of almonds or cashews at night. That brought about another couple of pounds of weight loss over the last few months.

Now, Sunshine has decided that he is not going to eat any starchy foods, no sugars. Like I need to have to read more labels when I shop for groceries. Ass.

Now, I'm pretty sure that most of the developed world knows that crazy ass diets don't work. Losing weight is a lifestyle thing. Reduced caloric intake, healthy food choices, and exercise are the things that cause weight loss. Whatever, Sunshine, we'll do it your way.

Not.

Yes, I'm buying him his MetRx high protein, ultra low sugar engineered nutrition bars, so I'm doing it his way.

Except I'm doing it his way except with MY twist. I bought the lowest calorie, lowest fat MetRx protein bars. And I am buying healthier meats. Which means I am now the blasphemer who buys sausage with the word turkey in front of it.

Y'all, I know how sacrilegious that is. And I don't care. I'm not having this asshole go on some Atkins type diet and eat all this damned shit that is going to send his already hazardous blood pressure through the fucking roof.

So I went to GNC and got him some all-natural, non-stimulant based fat burning pills. (Shut up already if they don't work, I only wasted $25 and I am ok with that.) I also got him a multivitamin formulated for men over 50. See, the guy who worked there agreed with me that fad diets don't work, and that Sunshine needs to reduce his caloric intake, increase his activity levels, watch the fat content in foods, and take some multivitamins. He also told me to get some garlic pills and fish oil capsules to help lower Sunshine's blood pressure.

I'm sick of dicking with all these weird dietary requests. He can have his stupid fucking MetRx bars, but he's getting the ones I pick, damnit. He can have his sausage patties for lunch, but he's getting the fucking turkey sausage. Because loading up on greasy, high calorie meats isn't going to help anybody lose weight.

Sometimes, Sunshine needs a taco punch. What he gets, instead, is what I buy him at the grocery store. That means turkey sausage, tuna, cheese, and fruit, motherfucker. Also: garlic pills and fish oil capsules, because I don't want him to die of a stroke.

So, Sunshine gets what I buy him from the grocery store.

And I get cream cheese muffins from the bakery, because I'm not on a no starch, no sugar diet.

10 comments:

  1. Cream cheese muffins are full of the awesome.

    Fad diets never work.

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    1. Cream cheese muffins are so good even my picky ass dog likes them. She's not on a no sugar diet either.

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  2. "Diets" period don't work. Eat less, exercise more. Seriously . . . I'm an expert at losing weight. And gaining it back. And losing it again :)

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    1. I need to stop it with the peanut butter snickers and get off my ass, but the Property Brothers are just so damn cute.

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  3. Fish oil is the way to go. Chris and I both have borderline high cholesterol. We didn't change our eating habits too much (turkey meat, ftw!) and started fish oil supplements. Now, we're both under where we need to be.

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    1. He's one of those "hard-to-treat" populations (native americans, hispanics, & african americans), which means we're lucky to have found meds that sort ofof work. Anything that might help lower his blood pressure is something I'm willing to try.

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  4. Diets are dumb. But tell me if those fat burning pills work. Just in case.

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    1. He just started the fat burning pills this morning, so I'll let you know. For what it's worth, he says he lost 5 pounds after about a week of no chips/bread/cookies, which leaves us with about 30the more to go.

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  5. You are so lucky! My hubby gets what I buy at the store...then what HE buys at the store...and then wonders why he can't lose the weight - hmmmm DUH??? ha ha ha

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    1. Well, after my mission to the GNC, I had the calorie/fat-content discussion with Sunshine, so he's open to my input, at least. We'll see how it goes.

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