27 December 2012

I really have no words

It feels like my words have left me. I've felt this way since somebody shot up a classroom full of little children. It got worse when somebody shot firefighters. Then my friend passes away. Right after that, I learned my cousin died from an overdose.

Sometimes, life just isn't fair.

Sometimes, when life isn't fair, I lose my words.

Perhaps that is exactly as it should be.

I remember when my daddy died. I was just days from my fifteenth birthday. It seems like the first few days passed in a flurry of numbness. It took time to process.

I guess that is what is happening now. My mind is taking time to process.

I do know that I will get through all of this.

I think I'll go shoe shopping. Will that fix me? Absolutely not. All it will do is change the way I feel for the moment. And today, that's OK. It certainly beats the alternatives.

I'm grateful that the 12 steps work. The miracle is that they work in spite of me. Throughout this exceedingly weird holiday season, I haven't once wanted to get high. If you aren't an addict, you may not understand how miraculous that is.

The holiday season is about religious miracles. I'm not religious, yet I believe in miracles. You see, I am a miracle. I haven't found it necessary to pick up and use in over seven and a half years. And in a holiday season that has been excessively weird, I'll take it. I am the miracle, and for that, I am grateful.

Yes, it has been a month filled with horrors. Yes, I am having trouble processing all of it. Yes, I have lost my words.

I will find my words again, just as I have managed to find gratitude for the miracles that happen in the midst of tragedy.

So, I will leave you with a list of miracles that I am grateful for today.

I am clean. I have a program, and that program works in spite of me, in spite of life.

I have a good life, with a good partner and a sweet little doggie.

I have friends today. True friends. Narcotics Anonymous and The Band Back Together Project have given me friends that touch my heart and feed my spirit.

I have hope today. Hope is a precious thing. It is also communicable. I find hope in my friends; I find hope in complete strangers. I can only pray that someone finds hope in me.

I could go on with this list, but I think you get the picture.

I think the best way to try and restore my spirit after a month of senseless tragedy is going to be to commit a random act of kindness. I think the best way to help someone else find hope is to be the change I wish to see in the world. I think the best way to hold on to the peace, hope, and serenity I have found is to try and give it away, without expectation of recognition or reward.

Will you join me in trying to spread a little hope through a random act of kindness?    

17 comments:

  1. Yes! I will join you! You are so right, that IS the quickest way to spread a little hope. Your life sounds so hopeful . . . and that you think of it as a miracle is wonderful!! totally with you on this one, Cindy Lou Who!!!

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  2. Happy Holidays, Judy! May the universe bless you greatly!

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  3. This year has been unbelievably full of tragedy. Whenever I stop to think about it, it makes my head spin. It's unbelievable just how many crap things have happened. It has felt like I (and some of my friends) are being beaten down - like something is trying its best to break us. I hope it gets better. This year has just been too sad.

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    1. Crys, it has been an especially hard year for you. I hope that next year is much better for you and #jackonaut!

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  5. This is beautiful. I had a moment on Christmas Eve when I was overcome with the thought Thank you God for my life. It's been a long two years and this year, this holiday season, my 40th birthday feels a lot like a miracle too. Blessings that we both continue to be miracles.

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    1. Carol Anne, you are a miracle & I am grateful for you

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  6. This year has sucked rocks. While there have been some highlights, the loss has been overwhelming. I will join you, my friend, in spreading hope where hope can't be found. Love you hard, my dear.

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    1. Just remember dear, you are the change I wish to see in the world

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  7. I'm sad that this year has sucked so much for those I love. I pray that the new year brings happiness, light, and a new start. I know we could all use it. Much love!

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    1. It's been a sad year, and yet it has been filled with love

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  8. Yes, I'm with you. #26acts becoming a way of life.
    xoxo

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  9. I love you, Cindy. And yes, I will join you in the random act of kindness. But I would still like you to post pictures of any shoes you bought.

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  10. My heart is breaking for you Cindy, on the loss of your friend. I'm so sorry.

    I'm glad you had your program in place and knew what to do to get through and took some needed me time.

    I will do a random act of kindness today!

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    1. I have to get better at the random part, and start doing nice thungs for total strangers in addition to people I know.

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