18 January 2013

How do I wind up with so much random shit?

Y'all know that I've been trying to minimalize, right? I fought an epic battle against tin trial-sized tubes of biotene toothpaste, I constantly fight the clothes/shoes/handbags battle (OK, so I love to shop, it'll be all right), and I constantly struggle against Sunshine's compulsive hoarding of weird yet useful shit.

So, recently, I have had reason to look around the house and found that we have enough fucking blankets to keep an entire Scandinavian village warm. I'm not exaggerating by much. There are no less than 5 blankets on the driver's seat of the magic bus, there are two on the couch, there is one comforter and one electric blanket on the bed, there are two comforters and one electric blanket on the bed, and there are two (or is it three) blankets UNDER the bed. There are two down-filled sleeping bags under the bus, and god-only-knows-how-many of those mylar emergency blankets are under there in the bug-out-bag. We are going to ignore the blankets at Sunshine's warehouse that are wrapped around furniture; since I don't have to look at those on a daily basis, I can pretend they don't exist.

Now, when I did all of this damned cleaning and minimalizing, I know good and fucking well there were not this fucking many blankets in this fucking magic bus. So, where the hell did all these blankets come from? I do not fucking know. I have no explanation. There is no logical reason for us to have this many blankets. It makes no sense.

It doesn't end with the blankets. I got all excited that I had slowly reduced the number of bottles of hygiene products. Then I went digging around in the bathroom for cold medicine and found more beauty products that I didn't even remember having. It is shameful how much face lotion, body lotion, and body butter is hiding in my home.

It gets worse. I was looking for some pepper the other day, and as I dug around in the hoard of spices, I found three fucking bottles of mustard. Three, not counting the bottle in the fridge. There are at least two bottles of some sort of Parmesan-Caesar type salad dressing hiding in the kitchen (we rarely eat salad), and I'm afraid to count the number of bottles of olive oil hiding in the cupboard.

Sunglasses. Sunshine and I both have no less than four pairs of shades. I'm pretty sure that he has more like 8 pairs. I do know the reason for the madness with the shades. Sunshine loses/breaks shades like I lose ink pens, so I buy as many as I can afford in his style any time I find them so I can stash them for the inevitable day that he loses another pair. Apparently, this strategy backfired on me in a way, because I don't think he has lost a pair in over 6 months. As for me, you just shut your whore mouth about my shades--I have a pair for every purpose.

Tape. We have painter's tape, plumber's tape, duck tape, electrical tape, masking tape (AKA board spike tape), scotch tape, and gaffer's tape. Empty five gallon buckets? check. Empty coolers? check. Grilling utensils that never get used? check. Multiple boxes of pickling salt? check. Vitamins/supplements that nobody takes? check. Bandaids that don't get used because I quit wearing shoes that give me blisters? check. Legs chewed off of dog toys? check. Four flash drives? check. Shisk-ka-bob skewer sticks? check.

How in fuck do I wind up with so much random shit?

I need to go throw some shit away or something.

Anybody that needs any bandaids, vitamins/supplements, blankets, or mustard, or any other random weird shit--please let me know. I probably have some.


  1. hilarious(ish).

    (a) Your blankets are fornicating, there's no way around that one.

    (b) I have a thing for condiments, so I can relate to the mustard thing. Sometimes I have to itemize them, and check them off till they are all used up. Sometimes there is little room in the fridge because of my lack of control.

    (c) I think having many pairs of glasses for Sunshine will payoff in the end, so long as you now stop buying them. I was thinking, if you hung a ribbon somewhere and tied all of them to it, it would make useful art. What? Ya, um, never mind.

    (d) lotions and stuff. Probably fornication. Again.

    (e) You can never have enough tape.

  2. a) my blankets need condoms
    b) I need to itemize the condiments, I just found out we have 2 cans of pam cooking spray. I don't use pam cooking spray, so I got nothing
    c) a strip of leather would work to centralize Sunshine's sunglasses
    d) my lotions and shampoos and shit need condoms also
    e) good point. Also, gaffer's tape is expensive, so I guess I need to take Elliot out to lunch and beg him to steal me a roll from Disney or somebody

  3. I want to know how you fit everything in the magic bus. Also, how did you not notice your blankets fornicating? I think you need a spreadsheet of all this stuff so you could really keep track.

    1. I suck at spreadsheets, or that would work really well. I could have columns and rows with really good names, shit like "stuff that needs condoms", "shit to go on sandwiches", "Sunshine's shit that needs to be hidden really well", and "never ever buy this again".

      Also, shoes. I need a wardrobe spreadsheet for mah shoes, clothes, and handbags.

  4. While your blankies are fornicating my pens are either running away or being abducted by aliens in need of pens. I feel like if I'm not physically holding them they disappear. So if an alien ever leaves you a note written in green ink (I love green pens) tell them to give me back my pens.

    1. Oh, dear, where was your pen-deprived ass a few months ago when I cleaned out all the pens? I seriously gave away close to a hundred ink pens. I know there was at least one green one in there, too. If the alien leaves me a note in green ink, I promise I'll give him some pens to bring you. (Yes, I still have more pens than I'll use in twenty years.)