13 February 2013

Coming to believe

I remember being new in recovery. I wasn't sure what I had gotten myself into, I wasn't sure whether or not Narcotics Anonymous would work, I wasn't even sure if I wanted a hamburger or a cheeseburger.I am pretty sure I didn't believe in anything in those days. So all the talk I heard of a Higher Power, and coming to believe, and spiritual principles, and working the steps; well, it seemed like a lot talk.

The good news is that I was told by other members of N.A. that all I had to do was believe that they believed. At the time, that was all I could do.

I'm living through those days again, just in a whole different context. Fuck, we're broke; and there is no end in sight. Sunshine is shutting his company down, canceling all of those corporate and commercial insurance policies that were eating our lunch. His intention is to open a new business under a different corporate structure.

There is a sense of urgency about him. We are seriously broke, y'all. He is one of those guys that makes up his mind what he's going to do, and he DOES it. The rest of the world is not moving with the same sense of urgency, so he is a little irritable.

I am a little irritable. I am a lot afraid.

I am taken back to those early days in recovery. "Believe that I believe", people told me.

None of you have said that to me yet, but I still hear those words. All of you tell me that "this too shall pass", that it will be OK. I can't fucking breathe right now, much less believe that this too shall fucking pass.

Which leaves me where? Good question. I don't have the answer.

All I can do now is believe that you believe. For now, it is enough. I believe that y'all believe. That's all I can do right now.

Now, I gotta go figure out how to breathe with this eleventy-thousand pound elephant sitting on my chest.


  1. My brother uses this a lot in his blogs ... be bold and mighty forces will come to your aid ... I'm not sure who said it, for all I know it's some sort of superhero thing. It's also the kind of thing he'd post to my Facebook wall during my radiation treatments.

    I know be bold and mighty forces will come to your aid are just words but I believe that you were brave enough to get sober and are strong enough to stay sober and I have faith that you are brave enough to breathe through this.

    1. Oh jeezuz, you just totally made me cry. Thank you for loaning me some of your strength! #thisiswhyiloveyou

  2. You're not supposed to have the answers, at least not yet. For me, during times like this I have to reach back to the times when I thought, "How am I going to survive this mess?" "I'm a coke head, I can't do it" but I did. Then it was, "I'm a widow, I can't survive this is" but I did. Then it was, "I'm married to an addict and I didn't even know it, I can't survive this mess he just dumped on me." But again, I did. So did you.

    Why? Because we are so much stronger than we give ourselves credit for and we have inner strength just waiting to be tapped. It's so awesome! And, we are never, ever alone. We always have other people there beside us waiting to help, who want to hear us, who want to just hug us and say, yeah, I get it. Even if it's through the cyber waves, phone lines. They are out there.

    So, not only do I believe, not only do I know that This To Shall Pass, not only am I telling you you're not alone, but I'm also telling you - you rock, inside and out!

    1. part of me wants to blow you a giant raspberry: ppppbbbllltt. I want the answers and i want them right now! ;-)
      Thank you for being part of my strength right now! I love you hard!

  3. I am fully confident that you can get through this. I've seen what you can do, lady, and know that this is merely a detour on your path. Whenever I get to a place where I'm paralyzed by what-if's and worst case scenarios, I remember how much I've survived up to this point and know that it only made me that much stronger to face whatever else is coming my way. Then I start listening to Lenny Kravitz's "Dig In" which kicks me in the butt to handle the things I can control and lets me ease up on the worries about what I can't.
    "And once you dig in, you'll find it coming out the other side."

    And Elsie is right - you are never alone. We're all here believing in your strength and sending you some of ours to help. xoxo

    1. Thank you for sharing your strength with me! #thisiswhyiloveyou