I remember being new in recovery. I wasn't sure what I had gotten myself into, I wasn't sure whether or not Narcotics Anonymous would work, I wasn't even sure if I wanted a hamburger or a cheeseburger.I am pretty sure I didn't believe in anything in those days. So all the talk I heard of a Higher Power, and coming to believe, and spiritual principles, and working the steps; well, it seemed like a lot talk.
The good news is that I was told by other members of N.A. that all I had to do was believe that they believed. At the time, that was all I could do.
I'm living through those days again, just in a whole different context. Fuck, we're broke; and there is no end in sight. Sunshine is shutting his company down, canceling all of those corporate and commercial insurance policies that were eating our lunch. His intention is to open a new business under a different corporate structure.
There is a sense of urgency about him. We are seriously broke, y'all. He is one of those guys that makes up his mind what he's going to do, and he DOES it. The rest of the world is not moving with the same sense of urgency, so he is a little irritable.
I am a little irritable. I am a lot afraid.
I am taken back to those early days in recovery. "Believe that I believe", people told me.
None of you have said that to me yet, but I still hear those words. All of you tell me that "this too shall pass", that it will be OK. I can't fucking breathe right now, much less believe that this too shall fucking pass.
Which leaves me where? Good question. I don't have the answer.
All I can do now is believe that you believe. For now, it is enough. I believe that y'all believe. That's all I can do right now.
Now, I gotta go figure out how to breathe with this eleventy-thousand pound elephant sitting on my chest.