01 December 2011

Fear and loathing in Uncertain

It is one of those days when I feel fear trying to creep in and put a squeeze on my heart. They've been coming more often lately, probably because I am 3 final exams and one more semester from graduating, which means "real life" is looming like a giant nuclear cloud on the horizon. The real world kind of scares me.

It's not that I think I can't handle it. I can handle a "real" job, even if I am afraid it will bore me to tears. My fear is that I won't be able to get a "real" job.

See, the wreckage of my past includes a number of felony drug convictions. Nobody wants to do anything for convicted felons. Those convictions disqualify us from voting, jobs, owning guns, renting apartments, and any number of other things. Nobody wants to do things for convicted felons, yet everybody wants them to quit doing felony things and be productive.

I am grateful for Narcotics Anonymous. The 12 steps teach me to walk through the fear. The steps teach me that I have faith, and if I do the footwork, I will be all right. I will have enough.

Courage isn't the absence of fear. Courage is what we do in the face of fear. Today, I'm trying to be courageous. Today, I am sharing my fear because pain shared is pain lessened.

Today, I am putting one foot in front of the other and doing the next thing in front of me to the best of my ability given what I have to work with.


  1. You are courageous.

    Sending love your way today!

  2. Dude, you are courageous everyday. That courage and your honesty are keeping you sober. And they will serve you well in your new 'real' job. Another badass thing about NA is the web of connections. Someone knows someone else who knows some guy who has been in the program forevs and will totes will someone in recovery. I hope it goes down that way for you.
    Btw, how much do I love it that you live in Uncertain? A fuck ton.
    And I just Googled directions to Uncertain and you're only 244 miles from me right now as opposed to the usual 2.552. So close, yet so far.

  3. You are gonna rock! I'm new here and hope you don't mind me butting in and sharing "to much to soon" but...hey...I am ;) I've been sober 20 years and while I don't have a record, I've got a buttload of friends who do. And, my FIL...well...yeah...lets just say, he was able to get a job with a record that was so badly tarnished it was really scary shit. There are a lot of people out there just like you and me who "get it". We aren't bad people we just made some bad choices. Now we got ourselves back on track and things can only go up.

    I can't wait to hear about the awesome chance you've been given!!

    Again, sorry for the long rant on my first "hello"

  4. I'm with Joules-I love that you live in Uncertain.
    Also-you will find a real job. You are an ass kicker(in kicky heels!)!

  5. I love you, and I love this post. I am less than a week away from my graduation, and I am terrified about finding a job. I don't have the problems you do, and your courage to STRIVE astounds me.

  6. You are the bravest and the boldest. I want you to know that I stalk your crazy ass because you speak to me, because you're all Roberta-Flack-Up-In-My-Shizz and what not...you remind me of what I can be. Thank you for your voice.
    And PLUS: You can totally do it! You are so much further along on your journey than I can ever imagine myself. I appreciate your words. You make me feel less afraid.

  7. That was ms.chessnuudt, BTW.