It is one of those days when I feel fear trying to creep in and put a squeeze on my heart. They've been coming more often lately, probably because I am 3 final exams and one more semester from graduating, which means "real life" is looming like a giant nuclear cloud on the horizon. The real world kind of scares me.
It's not that I think I can't handle it. I can handle a "real" job, even if I am afraid it will bore me to tears. My fear is that I won't be able to get a "real" job.
See, the wreckage of my past includes a number of felony drug convictions. Nobody wants to do anything for convicted felons. Those convictions disqualify us from voting, jobs, owning guns, renting apartments, and any number of other things. Nobody wants to do things for convicted felons, yet everybody wants them to quit doing felony things and be productive.
I am grateful for Narcotics Anonymous. The 12 steps teach me to walk through the fear. The steps teach me that I have faith, and if I do the footwork, I will be all right. I will have enough.
Courage isn't the absence of fear. Courage is what we do in the face of fear. Today, I'm trying to be courageous. Today, I am sharing my fear because pain shared is pain lessened.
Today, I am putting one foot in front of the other and doing the next thing in front of me to the best of my ability given what I have to work with.