14 December 2011

Nice park job, asshole. Or, "this is where I learned to park my car."

Notice where the parking space stripes end, right there under the driver's door. Notice that you could park a fleet of rental cars in the space in front of the truck AND REMAIN INSIDE THE PARKING SLOT. Nice park job asshole.

If you follow me on teh Twitterz, you've seen my pictures of my really crappy park jobs. It's bad, peoples. I drive a tiny little Honda sedan. How on earth I manage to leave most of the car sticking out of the parking space is beyond me.

I wasn't always so shitty at parking. In the 90s, I drove a large truck. Well, I went through several of them, actually. Chevrolet extended cab trucks, a Suburban, and a highly covetable Dodge extended cab truck. Those fuckers can be hard to park. The best solution? Back it into the space. Don't ask me why, but it works like a charm every time. Just ask anybody who drives a large pickup truck, they'll probably tell you--it's easier to park them BACKWARDS.

Sunshine's truck, pictured here (parked by Sunshine himself) is even trickier. Not only is it long wheelbase, it is 8 (eight) feet wide thanks to the dual rear wheels and the fat fenders that accommodate those wheels. (In Sunshine's defense, it is rare that he pulls this asinine shit. He usually does an excellent job of maneuvering this beast in tiny spaces.)

I actually do a reasonable job of parking his giant truck. When in doubt, I park it backwards. It is frightening how well I can park this truck if I just go at it BACKWARDS. (Which might be related to why I function better on stage and in monitor world than out at front of house--everything is backwards on stage and in monitor world. But that is a post for a different day.)
I digress. Back to parking the truck. Or parking anything.

How on earth I can park so neatly, even forwards, in this beast of a truck, and then leave two-fucking-thirds of a fucking Honda sticking out of the parking space is beyond me.

Yet let me go at it backwards, be it car or truck, and it is the picture of precision. Not only do I get the entire vehicle into the space length-wise, I get the fucker centered in the space.

I don't think I was always so shitty at parking. I had to parallel park successfully before I got my driver's license, so I really was able to park a car at some point in my life. I guess all the dope I did over the years really fucked me up. Or maybe it's just ego that causes me to park like I don't give a fuck.

Whatever the reason for my lack of parking skills these days, I blame Sunshine. Wouldn't you, after seeing this?


  1. I suck at parking. I cannot back into a spot. At all. I can parallel park only if there are a minimum of two empty spots in front of and behind me. Otherwise I park blocks out of my way to avoid having to do it. And the largest vehicle I've driven is a Chevy Astro Van! LOL

  2. I REFUSE to back in OR parallel park: the last time I parallel parked was my driver's test. And I've never understood the whole "it's easier to back in" like the driving school taught me - makes more sense to back OUT because I have tons of space, as opposed to trying to back in to a spot between two cars that belong to people other than me who *might* be upset if I hit 'em. hehehe

  3. I rule at parallel parking, which served me well during my years in New York. But I think Texas turns everyone into bad parkers because all the damn cars have been eaten by giant trucks or Suburbans. And those suckers take up some space.

  4. The Audi? I can park that shit anywhere. The Tundra Crew Max? I park that at the BACK of the store, if I have to drive it.
    Also: I'm not gonna TOUCH the whole:"I can do it better backwards".

  5. I can parallel park no problem! Grew up in NY too, but, back in, even in my own tiny driveway - no can do!! Not sure why, I can back down the driveway just fine but backing in, not so much...maybe I think I'm going to be that chick you see on the news that hits the gas instead of the brake and runs into her house. "Honey, I'm home!! Sorry about the drywall"

    Good to see that men can suck at it too!