13 August 2012

Things I'm supposed to do

The dmv. House cleaning. Laundry. Grocery shopping.

What the hell? How did my life become so screwed up that even these mundane tasks feel almost impossible to accomplish?

Oh yeah. My place of employment has become the human meat grinder. For real.

Not only are they the great tree killer, they are the human meat grinders. I have seen more turnover in the three months I've been there than I can even begin to fathom. A fellow employee called us the navy seals of truckstop employees.

What is wrong with that image?

The human cost.

When one shift's bad behaviour holds an entire store hostage and the horseshit coming down from corporate reveals the absolute nature of upper-level-managemant's cluelessness, it's time to move on. Lately, the store manager can't hire people fast enough to replace the ones that quit.

Most people probably don't put as much deep thought into quitting as I have. However, my recovery means that I have started to examine my true motivations for doing all that I do, and this is no exception.

The surprising thing is that I don't feel like a failure because I can't seem to "cut it" at this job. I understand that I have to safeguard my own health and sanity, because nobody else will do it for me. And when I get a text message from a thousand miles away that says "Cindy, I love you. Quit", well, then, I might need to listen.

It's nothing different than what Sunshine keeps saying. I'm just too busy over-examining my own history and motivations to be objective when it comes to our relationship. See, I used to be the girl who expected my partner to take care of me; fear of being that person again has made me stubborn and almost stupid.

When I wake up with swelling IN THE SOLES OF MY FEET, and tears in my eyes, hrms, maybe I just need to surrender. Maybe it's time to let go of fear, believe that Sunshine believes, and take a leap of faith.

(Side note: as I type this, my phone rings, interrupting me; who should it be but the great tree killer/human meat grinder that was informed yesterday that I would be unavailable today because I need to be at the dmv.)

Speaking of dmv, I guess I should put on pants and go. My registration isn't going to renew itself. Thank heaven for Sunshine and his willingness to "loan" me money to solve that problem.

Maybe I'll tweet at y'all to alleviate the boredom while I'm being held hostage by the state for a few hours.


  1. No job is worth your health or your spirit. When I was 21 or 22 (way too many years ago to tell you how many) I took a job that was vacated by a woman who quit w/o a job. The woman who left it before her left w/ a nervous breakdown. (facts that would have been useful BEFORE I took the job) I lasted 10 months and then quit w/o a job also. I had my first ocular migraine while working there and then I got sick w/ bronchitis and just couldn't get better. I learned the hard way no job is worth your health.

    If you can at all afford it take the leap of faith. Your health and your sanity will be all the better for it.

    1. Sunshine says we will be all right. I have to believe him. I do balance his checkbook, after all.

  2. My last 6 months of teaching turned into a nightmare for a million reasons. The day I cried with relief because it was Saturday was the day I wrote my resignation letter. Best thing I ever did for my mental health. If you'll be okay financially, quit immediately. Really.

    1. Sunshine says we will be OK, so here I go. This gut level fear I feel is a making it hard to breathe, but recovery and living are all about walking through the fear. Wish me luck!