27 November 2012

I must be crazy

I have been having these conflicting emotions lately about my employment status; or more specifically, the lack thereof.

Student loans weigh on my psyche, along with the fears of growing old and having to eat cat food to survive because I have no retirement fund. Sunshine may not always be around, and if something happened to him, what part-time employment I have will be gone (along with my chief source of financial security).

While a big part of me enjoys not falling into the trap pf society's expectations that I go to work to make money to be a good American citizen (read: consumer), there is another part of me that would like to have some more money coming in.

That part of me wonders just how many more days I can spend at home in this magic bus trying to find ways to occupy my time.

It's not like I haven't tried to find a job. The market is shitty. When I get told I don't meet the qualifications to fill a seasonal position at motherfucking Kohl's, there is something seriously wrong with employers. What, pray tell, are the qualifications to sell polyester clothes and pleather handbags? It's not exactly rocket science, so what the fuck?

When even Goodwill can't help me find a job (and they specialize in helping felons find employment), then it's not hard to give up.

So I've been thinking about going into business for myself.

I must be crazy.

I've often heard it said that the only thing more overrated than natural childbirth is owning your own business. My second husband owned his own business, Sunshine owns his own business; I've seen firsthand how overrated owning your own business is. Sunshine is getting eaten alive by insurance payments, yet he can't drop the coverage because it is required by so many contractors he does business with. All these contractors want a licensed and insured sub-contractor doing the work, but they want to pay what an unlicensed, uninsured crew of undocumented immigrants would charge. (Don't get me wrong, I'm not anti-immigrant, I think we need fresh blood and fresh ideas. I just think we need to legalize those who are here so nobody can get away with paying them substandard wages, so they can be required to meet the same standards everybody else must meet; level the playing field for both sides, if you will.)

Considering I know how NOT fun it is to own your own business, I have to be crazy for thinking of starting my own business. Fuck, what a headache. Choosing something that doesn't require a fuckton of startup cash, marketing, location location location, and then sweating through the first few years hoping it becomes profitable? Good times.

I must be crazy, because I'm seriously considering it.


  1. I totally relate to the student loan/cat food thing. I think we will pay student loans for the rests of our lives. And I seriously am going to start buying cat food (or at least tuna) for the future so we won't starve cuz our retirement funds are so miserable. Maybe we need to sell our house and buy a magic bus.

    1. The upside to living in such a small home? Reduced utilities. I'll be so glad when we pay this thing off. The payments? Beastly. 8 more months or so, and it gets easy(er)! It's what gives me some comfort in the face of such an uncertain future!

  2. I'm so hard up, I'm looking at oDesk. Competing with hundreds of people for $3 an hour *eyeroll*

    Don't hate me, Cindy, but I chuckled after I read, "and they specialize in helping felons find employment" - because you are so much more than that and YOU know it!!!

    1. Elsie, you & I, we both know I'm not your garden variety felon; maybe some day, society will catch up to our enlightened ideas. Until then, I'll continue to have a hard time finding a job working for somebody else. Their loss.

    2. I *hope* society will be able to look beyond the experiences of our past and see those experiences are what make us the people we are today....

  3. Oh Cindy Love! As someone who can't find work because of her own messed bag of mess, I empathize.

    Obviously you've done, and are doing, some serious thinking here. My only advice to you then can be: Follow what your heart says, your mind will find the ways.

    If we can't live for our dreams, what do we have left?

    1. As always, your spirit lights my corner of the world, Tia. Thank you!